Living life on the borderline

One step forward, one step back.

Posted on: March 18, 2010

Lots of movement and getting absolutely nowhere. Now that I’m coming to the end of my admission, that’s how I feel about it all on reflection.

The consultant wrote a letter to my Mum, explaining that most of the management of my condition (??) will be carried out in the community with the CAMHS. I’m still not so sure. CAMHS are still one of ‘them’ – one of the groups of people loosely termed ‘doctors’ that have messed me around since I was a toddler. I have an appointment with them on Monday and I’m dreading it. If I’m honest and tell them that I’m no further forward with.. well, anything, they’ll keep me in longer. Which isn’t going to help. 8 weeks haven’t helped, staying in any longer won’t do any more than wind me up. I don’t know what I want.

I want to stop feeling so empty. I want to stop hurting so badly. I want to stop getting these impulses. I want to stop getting obsessed over stupid, dangerous ideas. I want my mood and feelings to be stable, rather than rushing all over the place. I want to be able to think and think clearly, rather than through a fog. I want to live, instead of wanting to stop living.

Is that honestly so much to ask?

And what happens if I do get more impulses? Or start obsessing over something dangerous? I could tell my parents and CAMHS – and end up in a stupid psychiatric unit again with people who don’t understand.

My keyworker says I’m just “having a paddypup because I’m not getting my own way”. I want to live. I want to enjoy my childhood. Is that really really really such a terrible thing.

Thanks, but no thanks, doctor. I’ll come out of hospital and manage it myself if I get worse again. I can’t manage it, we know this, but I’ll get further than any of you ever could.



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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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