Living life on the borderline

Mood swings.

Posted on: April 9, 2010

My self-esteem has been really low lately. I saw some friends earlier and was convinced that they didn’t like me anymore, they thought I was stupid and didn’t want to be friends, etc. Although admittedly, today hasn’t been good overall. “Bad thinking” was… well, bad. Then I went to the library late this afternoon and switched to practically euphoric, walking around in the sun and seeing people sat outside pubs and cafés all happy and smiley.

Yesterday, a glass that happened to be by my bedside took the brunt of my unstable mood. It was either that or my head being smashed off the wall, but my mum quickly intervened, taking the sharp chunks of glass off me and sitting with me in the living room. Where I just cried and cried.

The thing that frustrates me is nobody seems to understand that sometimes there isn’t anything specific that’s upsetting me. The storm in my head was too much, I need to break and smash and destroy, and why? Because… something had to go. My feelings are so strong that I can’t handle them.

And then suddenly, it’s ok. The storm clouds are parting and the sun is shining so brightly, it’s only the fact that there are shards of glass on the floor, in your hands and your arm is bare ready for cutting that you remember you ever felt that strongly.

It scares me. It really, really scares me.

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2 Responses to "Mood swings."

breaking stuff sends adrenaline rushes coursing through my veins, aside from the compulsion to just break and destroy.

It is like a compulsion, isn’t it? It’s like things *need* to be broken…

I can’t see your blog, sorry 😦

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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