Living life on the borderline


Posted on: April 11, 2010

I’ve been suffering a lot more flashbacks lately, as evident by my previous post. Distractions and grounding techniques don’t make much of a difference – I have to sit and ride them through, physically hold onto something to stop me acting on impulse because of the strength of the feelings I get alongside.

I’ve been working on writing yet another song, this time with piano too. I’m pretty proud of it, actually, but I don’t have the software to properly make my own music. A piano, notebook, pen and endless cups of tea. Beats having a music studio anyday.

We seem to be getting a glimpse of summer, the weather is gorgeous, but it makes me sad, in a way. Everything is so beautiful and people seem so happy… and I feel like a screwed-up, fat, ugly, awkward lump spoiling the view. And I’m so so hungry.

Not just physically hungry. I’m emotionally hungry. I want to be hugged and loved and held but I recoil at any attempt at touch. I want to be reassured and cared for, but I keep lashing out because. I don’t know. I’m hurting.

My nan (who I live with as well) isn’t very well, it seems. She’s had three heart attacks in the past, all of which I’ve been present at and two I’ve handled on my own, but that’s a whole other bucket of “trauma” that I’m not up to talking about at the moment.

Hello anxiety.


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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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