Living life on the borderline

The syndrome of dietary chaos.

Posted on: April 19, 2010

Otherwise known as bulimia nervosa.

Mmm.

“Chaos” sounds about right. My eating is chaotic, my life is chaotic. According to psychodynamic lingo, you could say I’m “internalising” anger at the moment. I’m not going to go into why here. I should go into it in therapy, but since my suicide attempt, my mental health team don’t have a high opinion of my mum anyway. To cut a long story short, in the few days before I attempted, I was under a lot of stress at home and my mum was. Well. Yeah. So. And if they know that I’m finding it difficult (read: impossible) to talk about how I’m feeling at home and the thoughts/ideas I’m getting because of it, they will start talking about going inpatient again to “keep me safe” and blah blah blah.

I’m in the process of changing from mirtazapine to citalopram, so the “break” between meds might be making the thoughts worse. And by “thoughts”, I mean considering suicide.

So no, I don’t really have anything fascinating to write at the moment. Things are just quite difficult. It would be good if I could see my therapist more often when I’m feeling like this, and I requested it, but I’m only allowed one session a week. No fault of my therapist – it’s just the NHS “prescription”, I’m guessing. I’m under the adult crisis team (they take on people from 16), but they operate between 9-5, which is when I can ring CAMHS anyway. So I can either have my mental breakdown in normal office hours or just… deal with it.

So I’m dealing with it.

Therapy tommorow, which I’m guessing will be the same as always: 45 minutes of building myself up to talking, then when I’m ready to, the session is over for the next 7-9 days.

I’m stuck. And I’m tired. And I want out.

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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