Living life on the borderline

Post-ironic artiness.

Posted on: April 27, 2010

Che?

How do I post-ironic artiness?

Anyway.

I am keeping busy, I’ve been out all day today. Tommorow is therapy today and Thursday, I have a review with my psychiatrist. Both should be interesting. I’ve tried using the alternative support routes that’ve been suggested but they’ve always got huge queues. Of 7 or more. With 3 or 4 people available to talk.

So maybe not then.

I have a slight dilemma on my hands. The strictness with keeping the tablets hidden in a safe and the safe code kept even more hidden (this little introvert gets a little carried away when taking meds) was a bit lax tonight, and I now know the code to get into the safe full of hundreds of pills. Now, I could go about this two ways.

I could tell my parents, they would change the lock and I would therefore be kept safe should I get “impulsive”. But I really don’t want to carry on anymore.

Or I could burrow away the knowledge, try not to use it but be at risk if I get “impulsive”. Which would lead to the carrying away of the meds taking, which would lead to hospitalization and general disapproval all round. But I really don’t want to carry on anymore.

I really shouldn’t be making light of this, should I? Oh, but things are so difficult right now. And I usually try and tell my therapist everything, but he’ll be on the phone quicker than a quick thing to my mum if I let slip that I’m a) actively thinking of offing myself and b) have access to what I need to do it. But my family have enough on their plate at the moment, without me going all epic on them. So I should keep quiet and just ignore it and get on with it.

But I don’t know what I’m doing when I get like that. I could overdose and not really realise until I’ve done it. And now I know how many you can take and it not work.. how do I know my mind isn’t going to decide it wants to try again?

Why did I have to walk past the open box? Why?

I shouldn’t be thinking of killing myself. I’m in recovery. I’m three months free. I’m better. I have things to live for. I have work and college and a commitment to the kids. I have to be there for them. I cannot be ill now. I cannot have a relapse now.

I don’t know what to do.

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2 Responses to "Post-ironic artiness."

This will sound really cheesy, but relapse is part of the whole recovery journey. The fact that you are aware of what happens when you get poorly with regards to impulsivity and overdose shows that when you are relapsing, although it’s shitty there are things that you can take from it for next time. Learning wise.
I would tell your Mum that you know about how to access the medication stash. As a safety net.
Take care xx

Just thinking of killing yourself is completely harmless, and it is not (in itself) a relapse. Anyway, I don’t agree with margerydaw that relapse is part of recovery. To me, relapse means that a treatment was ineffective, and I am used to seeing people recover without any relapse along the way.

But even so you acknowledge there is a risk. You could tell your parents simply to remove the risk, without it being epic.

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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