Living life on the borderline

Resistance and rebellion

Posted on: May 10, 2010

Yeah. I feel strangely rebellious for writing this entry, but “it’s my blog and I’ll be controversial if I want to” ™

Today was therapy and as usual, I had trouble gathering my thoughts for what to talk about in my session. What we talked about varied a lot, but it was mentioned that they are very “aware” of the danger of me attributing everything I think and feel to having a mental health problem.

Which is a fair enough statement. But where do I draw the line? How do I know when it’s “just being a teenager” and when I’m struggling? I feel tired (drained, more like), I’m struggling to wash and dress myself, actively avoiding people and dying sounds just fine to me. It sounds so fine, in fact, that I think I know how I’ll do it.

That could be just being a teenager. That could be a sign that things are starting to slip again. And what does that mean? Will I be carted off to hospital, as my Mum always says? Not likely, I’m never setting foot into a psychiatric unit again, voluntarily at least. Does that mean I’m just being a teenager? When I’m struggling to sleep because of the flashbacks and imagining myself dying, is that being a teenager? Where does being a teenager end and danger begin? Is there even a line?

I really wish I had some contact with others going through this kind of thing. I don’t know what’s normal and what isn’t, and yes, I’m not eager to talk to the CAMHS team because. Because I’m meant to be better. Apparently I don’t even have PTSD. So why are the flashbacks and nightmares slowly destroying my life and friendships? I’m thinking of talking to a helpline or support group, but I don’t know if I’m old enough. Probably not. Do I even have a problem? Probably not.

I don’t really know what I’m doing or thinking. I’m probably just overreacting to the comments. Or am I attributing a “normal” teenage reaction to something else?

O_O

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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