Living life on the borderline

For once, I think I’m not the one in denial.

Posted on: May 14, 2010

Mental health and being aware of your mental health is a strange thing. When you think you’re fine, everybody says you’re not. When you don’t think you’re fine, everybody says you are.

Complex, huh?

Things are still not great. I’ve been feeling low enough to get in the way of normal daily life today and had three panic attacks out the blue. I hadn’t had any problems with anxiety for quite a while. My sleeping pattern is, well… not patterned, either. It’s taking me ages to get to sleep and hardly any time to wake up again. Overdosing sounds quite tempting. I’ve been through the cupboards already, on the off chance that someone might’ve left my latest meds “hidden” before putting them in the safe. I don’t know why. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to live, I don’t know what I want. I just don’t want. What I don’t want, I don’t know. (still with me, here?)

But then I hear my therapist’s words, that I’m attributing normal feelings and actions to my “mental illness”. And that I need to get out more. And then my family keep saying I’m just hormonal.

So maybe I am. Maybe I am overreacting and I’m just being a teenager/just hormonal/just being normal. I am going out, for goodness’ sake. I am out every day. I’m hardly seeing my family, I am out so much. Next week, I’ll be out non-stop even more. Friend’s houses, random fields, theme parks, going out for dinner, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

But when my anxiety is bad and I feel so low I can hardly get out of bed, I don’t want to be out 24/7. Then I’ll maybe reduce my socialising, like I did last week, then get told that the reason I’m depressed is that I’m not going out enough. So I keep going out, despite feeling awful and going into panic attacks and being exhausted from hardly any sleep and I’m running myself into the ground.

But I’m fine. I really am, I’m just overreacting. This is fine. Nobody is listening anyway.

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1 Response to "For once, I think I’m not the one in denial."

Hey…I’m listening. And I care. And yes, it is not always easy to sort out which behaviors are symptoms of mental illness and which are just normal ways of being. Journaling your thoughts just like you are doing will really help you, especially later when you come and read what you’ve written and start to recognize patterns of thinking. Just keep working at finding a balance. And it is totally okay if you don’t always know what to feel, or what you should want. That’s normal for everyone. Take care, and hopefully get some regular rest soon.

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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