Living life on the borderline

Losing it.

Posted on: May 17, 2010

(and no, this is not a reference to my virginity..)

As my past… two… three… posts have described, I’m really struggling at the moment. So today I tried to do the responsible thing and phone my psychiatrist first thing. I’ve left four messages with the receptionist now, everytime saying that they’ll get her to ring back. Four messages in six hours. She’s always replied quite quickly to my calls in the past, so coupled with what my therapist said, it’s not helping my paranoia that people think I’m overreacting.

I have my first day of¬†“work” on Wednesday, I need my anxiety and thoughts to be under control before then. I’ve been doing everything they tell me to – eating healthily, getting lots of exercise, trying to socialise with people often (ie. every day, all day, most of the time), practicing being mindful. Still having up to 3 panic attacks a day, generally on edge, no sleep, irritable and think my head would be much nicer having been put through a window.

And I’ve started self-harming again. Eeep.

Readers to this blog must be so bored by now with essentially the same post “I’m scared I’m overreacting”. I’m not sure what to do. It doesn’t warrant the crisis team, as long as I’m not tempting to “go walkies” tonight, which I keep thinking about. My GP won’t be of any help because of my age. Therapist is unavailable this week, psychiatrist is ignoring my messages and I feel awkward and abandoned and like I’m being needy.

In other news – starting my “job” on Wednesday. Bought some new clothes for it today, clothes that are plain, smart but I don’t mind getting sick/snot/other delights on. Working with the art and drama departments, woo, etc. Except I have to be in work for 8:30am. Seeing as I get to sleep around 2-3am and wake up at 5am, this is going to be fun.

I actually had a seperate topic for a blog post but… I’ve forgotten it, so, when I remember, I will post it.

Edit: Psychiatrist, or indeed any member of the CAMHS team, never rang back. Clinic is now closed. I can either sit here stewing or go up to A+E and see the on-call team (which I’m sure I don’t need and even if I did, cannot afford transport to hospital). *swears*

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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