Living life on the borderline

I’m not the smartest person out.

Posted on: June 5, 2010

Two overdoses in six months? A+E and CAMHS must be sick of the sight of me.

I got discharged this afternoon after seeing the on-call psychiatrist, with a follow-up appointment next week. Apparently I’m “overdoing things and need to take a step back”. Apparently, sheer stubbornness, ignorance and excuses like “I’m just being a teenager!” doesn’t make mental illness disappear. Believe me. I have tried.

So where does this leave me? Exhausted, stinking to high heaven because I couldn’t shower and it’s been unbelievably hot. More than a little annoyed at myself for doing it again. I don’t really know what it was. I had the opportunity and I was so upset and I just did it.

I actually have to look after myself now. I must accept that I’m ill and accept my limitations. Who actually wants to accept something like mental health problems? I’m 16, for goodness’ sake. I’m meant to be having fun and staying up late and being irresponsible. Woo for therapy, psychiatrist appointments, medication, crisis plans.

I don’t just have  teenage angst, I have issues.

I really don’t want to have to go back into a psychiatric hospital. I really don’t want to go back into the one I was in last time. That was just sheer awfulness. I know I’m going to have to get my act together if I’m going to avoid it, though. The team were so sure I was better. I told them I was struggling, I told them I was getting these thoughts and what happened? “Don’t attribute normal things for being a ‘mental illness'”.

I’m so tempted to do a bunk on my appointments. Make fake vomit, nip out to the loo and leave the building, emigrate to another country maybe. I sort of wish I was under the adults’ team now, there’s a lot more available like home treatment, day services and the hospital is closer. Instead, I have to sneak onto their crisis team and get sent halfway across the country for inpatient treatment with CAMHS.

I’m in a bit of a pickle. Be open and honest and talk – get sent into some suckish little hellhole of a psych unit in flipping Scotland or something ridiculous. Shut up and deal with it – ???

Why did I overdose? Why didn’t it work, to be fair?


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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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