Living life on the borderline

Hindsight.

Posted on: June 6, 2010

Is a wonderful, wonderful thing, with 20/20 vision. I’m a -6.00 so I’m blissfully near-blind.

I cannot go anywhere on my own, I am followed upstairs and dropped subtle “hints” at any available opportunity. Not that my family are being mean, they gave me a good pep talk earlier which helped a bit.

Just incase you didn’t get the hint from my last post, I am not going into hospital. Si? Oui? There is more chance of me becoming a belly-dancing, Arabian panther than setting foot in another adolescent unit and you can take that to the bank.

Not so sure my psychiatrist will agree, but if the team are planning on having me admitted, they’ll be sorely disappointed. Yes, I’m struggling to keep myself safe but they should have the day services and home treatment teams to access. It’s not fair.

How histrionic or however you spell it 😐

My mood is rapidly plummeting. I’m talking and thinking of dying all the time. In one of the papers today, it spoke of someone who managed to kill themselves on an accidental overdose of antidepressants.

What. The. Hell.

I know this sounds completely awful, but I am a b*tch so that’s fine. I’ve tried twice and it hasn’t worked (obviously). Is that a sign that I should live, really? Am I doing it wrong? Apparently the kind of tablet I overdose on affects your heart. Heart problems run in the family, so maybe it’s a slow suicide.

I’m such a sick person for thinking this way. Sick, twisted, warped, evil, etc.

I don’t want to go to CAMHS next week. Mum said she’s going to bundle me into a taxi in my pyjamas if it means I go to my follow-up. And I think she’d make good on her threat, I’ve turned up in my pyjamas before now.

I’m sorry for thinking this way.

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1 Response to "Hindsight."

Ahh, it can be frustrating when people like family members are being protective and cautious, but it is because they care and don’t want you to come into harm.

You’re not twisted and awful for thinking that way. I remember having read someone who managed to accidentally hang themselves and I was thinking something along those lines too, ‘Umm, what the?!’ But hey, maybe it is a sign that you’re meant to live and it’s definetely a good thing that you survived.

I’m not keen on going to my appointments too really. But if you’re honest with yourself, you probably know that you should? Hope your appointment goes okay anyway.

Take care,
Cassie

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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