Living life on the borderline

Stop press: Mentalism makes a comeback.

Posted on: June 23, 2010

Warning – This post contains strong and possibly disturbing references to self injury. Please don’t get any ideas from me or read this while in a vulnerable state.

Oh yes. I’m seriously beginning to think the depression is returning once again. And my mood had been relatively stable and brighter and therapy became positive and now. It’s not. I therefore enclose a list of warning signals of mine that means I’m going crazy again…

Early morning waking?

Yup. On a good night, I wake up at 5. A bad night could be 2 or 3 in the morning with no hope of getting back to sleep. Made worse by actually falling asleep around midnight.

Self-care going down the drain?

Life is horrible and painful, nothing is going to change so why should I bother washing or brushing my teeth? What’s going to happen? Nothing. I’m too tired. (Just incase my dentist is reading – I did brush my teeth after all. The only thing worse than having the crazies is having the crazies with a mouthful of fillings while stinking to high heaven).

Nothing is fun anymore?

I don’t have the energy, or the motivation, so there’s no point in even trying to make it fun.

Destructive thoughts returrning?

I won’t go into too much detail, but lets say it involved my imagination, my style of planning and knowing too much about what happens during a varicouse vein operation. I get obsessions like this. They range from jumping off things to breaking bones to performing “operations” on myself.

So yeah. I don’t know. I could be worrying too much, worrying that all the hard work I’ve put in is going to disappear. But then I try and look for warning signs so I can act. If I end up in A+E one more time with something mental-health related, they will probably ban me or something. OMG IT’S A CRAZY BORDERLINE PERSON TRYING TO GET ATTENTION, SEND HER AWAY, SEND HER AWAY!

Ew. Just. Ew. I’m tempted to just sit up all night watching DVDs and drinking tea, being left alone with my head is much much more worse than feeling tired all day. I’m tired all day anyway.

Sorry I couldn’t be more encouraging..

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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