Living life on the borderline

I could really use a wish right now.

Posted on: July 14, 2010

Listening to emotional classical music makes me think, so feel free to ignore what follows. (For people who really are that interested, I’m listening to Crystallized Beauty by Philip Sheppard.)

First, I’d like to pose some questions.

How would you feel if…. the person who was really nice to you, who you really got on with and who people said you’d match with in a relationship, suddenly appeared to be part of a group of people who ignore your very existence and treat you like crap? therefore ignoring your very existence and treating you like crap too?

How would you feel if…. all your friends suddenly seem to not want you around, even discussing things that you’re not invited to infront of you?

How would you feel if…. this all started happening within a timespan of about 48 hours?

How would you feel if…. most of the members of your mental health care team suddenly decided to go on holiday straight after?

Oh yeah, welcome to my life.

So what have I done wrong? I have no idea, seriously. It’s the source of much paranoia and stress-induced dissociation (a lovely, lovely part of the hell that is BPD). My support worker is still around, but therapist and psychiatrist have disappeared. My family keep saying it’s because I’m such a nice person that they are acting like this. Wow. If that even made sense, that would be cool. *headbangs*

I know this sounds terribly trivial, but for someone who relies on being liked and accepted, whose biggest fear is being rejected and abandoned… it’s like the end of the world.  I’ve already ended up in hospital through overdosing twice this year, it really will be taking the biscuit if I did it again and for such pathetic reasons as well…

I feel like ramming my head through a brick wall.

End of happy update. Sorry for lack of commenting.

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6 Responses to "I could really use a wish right now."

I can’t answer any of those questions, and neither can you. But that is a horrible feeling of being left out, and if that’s your Achilles heel, then even more so.

Just wanted to know you’re not alone.

Lola x

Thanks for the understanding X

Fear of abandonment often seems to be a self-fulfilling prophasy – at least that’s how it’s been in my life. Those who i could care less about hang on for dear life and those who I really want to have around are more likely to back away slowly (or not so slowly).

I think the turn around for me has been the day I really knew this:

Everybody doesn’t have to like me, and that’s okay.

I feel that every relationship has a purpose in my life, and the end of every reltionship also has a purpose. I try to find the lessons in all of the goodbyes and enjoy the good relationships that I can hang on to.

I did say “try”.

ha

“Everybody doesn’t have to like me, and that’s okay.” = wisdom. And yeah, it really is the trying that counts. Thank you for the understanding, I don’t know about you but it helps to know it’s not just me that goes through this… X

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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