Living life on the borderline

On growing up mental.

Posted on: December 13, 2010

I have some catching up to do with this blog and others, evidently!

So I returned to this blog (and the surprisingly awesome fact that I’d been nominated for TWIM awards!) feeling slightly apprehensive. I’m not sure what to write. I’m not sure where to begin or where to catch up. It’s hard to put so many feelings and experiences and such into words, and do them the justice they deserve, more to the point. I will have a stab at it anyway.

I have recently been transferred from CAMHS to the adult mental health services (CMHT). And what an 80lb bucket of pure joy that has been. Perhaps it is “attachment issues” but I really, really did not want to leave CAMHS. Apparently this was observed by my therapist too, who felt that by counter-transference, he was also anxious about our sessions ending. As it happens, we both swiftly exited my last ever CAMHS session before we both got too emotional. Which may seem unprofessional or “weird”, but I think it was important. For me, at least, who struggles to accept human emotions, it was important that it ended in an appropiately human way. I had already been having a few appointment at the CMHT, so the transistion was as smooth as it was going to be. Here endeth an era.

Feeling somewhat unprepared for my journey into “adult” mentalism, I made my way to the building inwhich the CMHT was housed. A whole … few metres? away from the building where CAMHS is. It’s still painful to walk past and look up at the windows of the therapy rooms. As mentioned, I’d already met my new psychiatrist, who we will call Dr C. I don’t know what to make of Dr C at the moment. Trying to discuss my thoughts and views is about as useful as “challenging a centipede to an arse-kicking contest”. Which also goes for my care co-ordinator and crisis team. I will also be seeing a new psychologist when my name comes up on the waiting list for some solution-focused therapy/CBT/stick-a-plaster-on-it-and-grow-up therapy.

My CMHT is very “man up, suck it up and deal with it” orientated, which is apparently the best way to treat a person with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Trying to mention my trauma history, disordered eating or.. anything that isn’t BPD related is met with a blank, disapproving stare. Maybe this is the best way of dealing with BPD, but I deeply miss the more compassionate way CAMHS worked.  It’s not that I expect sympathy and tears wherever I go because of my history, but.. well I know what I mean. In hospital earlier this year, my individual therapy work was psychodynamic psychotherapy, which worked for me. This is what has been reccomended for me, but will this happen with the adult services? Not likely. I am beginning to sense the frustration of other people with the therapy services provided by the NHS. I have contact a charity about some counselling regarding the trauma issues, which will no doubt vex my team.

As you can tell, I am really struggling to deal with all this change and the services that are being offered. Although obviously when I say this, I am told (repeatedly) about how it is a symptom of BPD and how I need to learn to just deal with it.

My current goal is to keep myself as safe as possible, to see if there is any possibility of going into crisis housing. Which gives my team the impression that I do not need any help because I’ve “got over myself” and stopped attempting suicide, my most recent attempt being less than a week ago.

Any advice in navigating the adult mental health services is greatly appreciated!

In other news, I have begun college, studying a qualification in performing arts! I have found I love dance, although clomping around like a rather short, stocky elephant sometimes makes me feel less than fabulous about myself. I have not yet started up my voluntary work again but I hope to start in the New Year if I am sane enough to do it. Obviously I am, because I just need to man up, suck it up and deal…

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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