Living life on the borderline

A change of topic: Careers?

Posted on: December 21, 2010

A bit of a change from the BPD/CMHT ranting. On the menu today is careers: deciding on one, deciding on one that will please everyone else in your life & the most useless reason for suicidal ideation ever..

So it’s a somewhat well known fact that some with BPD (mentioned BPD!! damnit) have difficulty with their sense of self/self image. Well, it’s actually part of the criteria. & this can manifest itself in rather dramatic changes in job, career choices, study choices, religion, sub-culture that one identifies with, etc. My religion has always stayed stable, but the biggy for me is career choices & study choices.

I changed my mind about three/ four times before settling on my performing arts course at college. Including applying for said courses, then ringing up & asking to be put down on the other course. Cue much confusion from my potential lecturers when it came to induction day. Now we are coming up to that time of the year when application forms are sent off, audition & interviews held & pro-plus/red bull becomes part of the staple diet ready for exams. Of course, I haven’t the foggiest about what I will be doing, come September ’11. I haven’t the foggiest what I will be applying for in the first place. Some very lucky people just know what they want to do with their lives, or know exactly what their talent is & how they will use it. Brilliant, awesome, lovely for you. Spare a though for us poor souls that bumble through life with smoked up glasses, not quite sure whether the lack of obstacles & increase in free choice is due to finally walking in the right direction, or finally walking over a cliff.

An important aspect of the personality of yours truly – I have a MASSIVE fear of doing something that isn’t “acceptable” to someone else. Monumental. I am not one of these young people who just love to shock & be individual. No, everything about me is moulded on some opinion of someone else. People don’t think I should be a dancer = discarded much-loved idea of studying dance further at college. People expect me to go to university = I am apparently going to university. To do what, exactly, I have yet to be told. Medicine, psychology & social work have been mentioned.

At one point, this would’ve been true. But there has been a great shift in my outlook recently, one that I don’t think will be very popular but here we go. I’m wondering whether I really want to study something like that & go into mental health. I’m tired of mental health, I’m tired of the medicine & the crappy ideas people get on how to treat it, I’m tired of the approaches to mental health that must be spewed out, even when they don’t work. I want to do something fun & creative & free & that isn’t going to remind me of some of the most dark moments of my life. & I feel the worst person on earth for thinking that. I want to surround myself with beautiful & inspiring & hopeful things, things that will make me enjoy being alive.

Helping other people, counselling, charity work, voluntary work.. this is all acceptable to other people. “She works with disadvantaged people.” “She’s a student doctor, you know.” Whereas “She’s at university studying fashion & where to get the best Americano’s” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Or is it just me? I sound like such an evil, evil person, I know.

It’s such a stupid thing to feel suicidal over, absolutely pathetic, but I really feel now as if there’s no point in carrying on. I get nasty comments already about doing performing arts, I will be letting so many people down if I don’t keep up this facade. & I feel as if somehow I’m turning my back on all those people out there that are suffering. Because people who’ve suffered abuse & mental health problems generally want to turn around & help others going through the same thing, right? That’s the normal response. Except I don’t. I’m just being selfish & pathetic & disappointing everyone around me. The CRHT would reeeeally love me if I rang up, going “I can’t decide what to do at college & it’s making me want to kill myself.” Sorry, couldn’t help getting in just an teeeeny little snipe about the crisis team there…

I have no positive way to end this post, really. Apart from thank you for all the votes on the mental nurse site for this blog.

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3 Responses to "A change of topic: Careers?"

I don’t think it’s a stupid thing to feel suicidal over- I get suicidal over stuff like that too. Ideally you’d do what YOU want to do and not what everyone else thinks. But I know it’s not that simple.

Take care,
Cassie x

When I took myself out of college, it was partly for this reason (& that i got ill, but whatever) i didn’t want to be a psych student, i wanted to be an art student! All my friends are art students, and have supportive parents, and are at LCC and stuff, but I knew my parents wouldn’t agree to spending thousands for me to come out with an art degree, so I gave up on that dream. All i can say, is that it was a big mistake, and i’m so jealous of my art student friends now! And hey, there’s nothing wrong with fashion 😉

I hope it gets easier for you to decide. Please don’t feel suicidal about it though, you definitely have a future in something, it’s just figuring out what! Take your time xx

If you want to do dance at college and you are good, then go for it. You can still get a degree at dance college – there are lots of options for places that do degrees depending on what type of dance it is that interests you – certainly London Studio Centre, Urdang, Bird, LIPA, Rambert, Laban and quite a few others all offer degrees whilst offering full vocational training. You need to do whatever will make you happy. xxx

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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