Living life on the borderline

A little too happy at Christmas.

Posted on: December 29, 2010

Things were going brilliantly! I didn’t feel low at all, if anything, the absolute opposite! Life was fabulous, I’d finally gotten over this whole “mental illness” thing. BPD? Depression? Pish! I could do anything that I wanted to do. In fact, I wanted to go to university. No, not to study art or fashion… I was going to be a doctor! & a bloody good doctor at that. I could see myself striding onto wards, laying blessings & healings upon the unfortunate “normal” people lying in their hospital beds. I could. I could. Things like Occupational Health & actually getting better didn’t matter because I WAS better! Except for all these bloody people who were trying to hold me back. Saying that was acting irrationally, spending too much money, flirting with too many people, setting my sights too high. I didn’t need them. I didn’t need anyone. I didn’t my family or my friends or my religion or my CMHT or anything. I may as well have been God. I had the power already, right? I had, through some miracle, shed the horrible “mentally ill” label. I felt great! I was lively, passionate, vivacious, wild hair & wild eyes & every other word an expletive. But that was attractive. Damn, I was attractive. I was a funny, fabulous, sexual human being. It was all grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-eat!

& stop.

What an interesting week or so. Now I’m in a permanent state of shame for the things I’ve done & said & spent. & waiting for the crisis team to ring back, as the very flimsy reason for me sitting here now is that I don’t get on with the mental health nurse based at A+E. Obviously, if I survive another attempt, then I’ll have to see them, & after saying that I “look like someone with an overeating disorder”…. I am not the best of friends with them. I honestly don’t think my mind can take much more without breaking.

The phrase “I hope you had a happy holiday” sounds somewhat wrong the context here but oh well. Hope you enjoyed yourselves…!

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1 Response to "A little too happy at Christmas."

((hugs))

mood swings can be horrible, because they leave you feeling so shit afterwards. I’m sorry you had to go through that. And I’m also sorry about the mental health nurse at A&E, most of them are awful though! Hope you feel better soon, sweets x

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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