Living life on the borderline

Control.

Posted on: January 22, 2011

My eating disorder seems to have taken an unusual twist… not one that I’ve really heard or read about so it’s quite scary.

I feel very ashamed & disgusting but, I seem to be addicted to actually buying food. I will spend loads of money on it, I will order takeaways 3 or 4 times a week. Sometimes I eat it all, sometimes I just buy huge mounds of food to surround myself with & hardly eat any. Then I will purge & that will be it until the next evening, when I will order food for 2+ people & binge & purge again.

I’m feeling very low, this week has been particularly difficult. I had to go to A+E for mental health related reasons, which really upset me because I had been quite a while without reaching that crisis point. Well, since Christmas. One of the nurses recognizes me now & puts her arm round me without saying anything because she knows. I had been feeling very agitated & keyed up for a few days, which just increased & increased. I hardly slept & became disruptive at college. I’m ashamed of how I behaved so I won’t go into detail, but the ambulance & police were called & I had no choice but to go to hospital. Funnily enough, the on-call psychiatrist didn’t seem to want to see anyone & so I eventually got sent home.

I am exhausted. I feel so guilty for what I’m putting my family through. I would “try again” if I knew it would work. Which is an amazing contradiction because obviously people would argue back that putting my family through my suicide would be a horrible thing to do. It would & perhaps it is the “ill” part of my mind that is thinking “well, they would come to terms with it eventually”. A horrible insult to those bereaved by suicide, I know.

It’s so hard. I don’t even really know what I’m saying.

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2 Responses to "Control."

The suicide thing is tricky. I’ve been there so many times, so I can understand where you are coming from. It’s easy in dark times to think, “Oh, they’ll get over it”, because that’s what I used to tell myself when I was suicidal. I’m sure that part of you knows just how devastating it would be, though… I’m sure you have touched countless lives, many of which you don’t even know about. Just something to think about next time you feel that way… it always helps me to think that way, at least. 🙂

I used to do that- buy food so that I could binge on it and then purge.
I’m sorry these past few days have been hard, I hope you’re feeling better.
Take care of yourself. x

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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