Living life on the borderline

Who am I really?

Posted on: March 15, 2011

This is a big enough question when you’re a teenager, not quite a child and not quite an adult, but it seems like an even bigger question when you’re dealing with a mental illness.

I think if you have difficulties as you’re growing up, there’s a risk you can almost think of it as part of you. I don’t think this is an issue always helped by the “mental health system” either. You’re discovering what makes your personality – your feelings and thoughts and goals and sense of self is always shifting. Even physically, things are still changing. Sometimes you can look in the mirror and not really recognize who’s there. I’ve had that a lot recently. And when you’re thinking about jobs and university and relationships and all of this “grown up stuff”, it’s really hard not to picture yourself in 10 years time with the same awkward teenager feelings AND with any mental health difficulties you have.

I’m not meaning that all young people just “grow out” of difficulties, for some people it gets easier and for some it doesn’t. Psychiatric “crystal balls” don’t help either. I feel as if I’ve been predicted to turn out a violent, socially dysfunctional and therefore unacceptable person. In one breath, they say that personality is fluid and things can change. In the next, they are listing all the things wrong and that can and that WILL go wrong. Does this mean that we should resign ourselves to this fate before we’re even out of our teens? Does it mean that yes, our personality may change and we may like pasta one day and hate it the next, but we will never truly know who we are or what we want out of life?

I’m not really any further forward with… anything. I may have had a manic episode, I may still be having one, but maybe not. My personality may change, but maybe not. I may be completely normal, but maybe not.

I feel like I need to make a decision once and for all. I don’t feel like I need, nor want, involvement with the mental health services any more. I know what they are going to say, I know what they reccomend. My medication isn’t being changed. Things are essentially how they were 6 months ago, but with more frustration. I wonder maybe I am normal. Maybe my behaviour is perfectly rational and it’s just everyone else worrying and making mountains out of molehills. Maybe things will change, maybe not.

Nothing is absolute. Not even who you are.

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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