Living life on the borderline

Banned due to BPD.

Posted on: April 9, 2011

Dum dum dummm…

No it’s not that exciting an update.

In short, the reason that I’m not allowed to see a different psychiatrist or care co-ordinator (or have a second opinion, or seek therapy from a voluntary organization as I’m not allowed it on the NHS, or ask for help, or exist)… is because I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. There is no point in me seeing someone new – I won’t like them because my personality makes me offensive & horrible to everyone anyway! I have no sense of boundaries or respect so there is no need for me to see someone else. I’m not having a personality clash with my care team – my personality just sucks ass!

So I contacted the NHS Complaints Department (& had a bit of a laugh at the message saying they were recieving a high volume of calls & therefore I’d need to leave a message) & now I am waiting for them to get back in touch. My GP is bordering on frightened of my psychiatrist since they keep sending them nasty letters, so there’s no point in going back there again.

It sort of makes me want to laugh. I’d like to think that my success at college & wide group of friends of varying ages is testimony to the fact that I may be mental, but I’m not horrible. But I admit, it’s really knocked me back. If my personality, if my being is that horrible… why am I trying? Maybe everyone in my life is feeling sorry for me. Maybe they are talking about me behind my back. I don’t deserve help, or fair treatment, or any human rights. I have borderline personality disorder – I am a bad, messed up, offensive, boundary-breaking, crazy person.

Which would make sense because I’m feeling so bad lately that I can’t be bothered being social. When I’m forced to be around people, I’m mute. BPD is a self-fulfilling prophecy, at least in my case. Obviously everything they are saying about me will be documented in my notes, which screws up any chance of me getting the kind of job I want. When it comes to DLA being renewed, I’m 100% sure they won’t agree I need any help, so there goes my money. They admitted that I’m having noticeable manic episodes & depressive episodes, different from those experienced in BPD – but they refuse to give me any medication for them. I’ve started self-harming again, to the point of needing stitches (& I haven’t been like this in over a year). They’re just watching me get worse & worse & they don’t care. They have no reason to care, because I have BPD & people with BPD don’t deserve care.

I’m very very tired of this.

Oh & the ED team haven’t got back in touch. I’m too fat to be helped. Oh dear.

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6 Responses to "Banned due to BPD."

I just want to rant having read this.

I find it so hideously frustrating that so many so-called professionals view BPD in this way. Are there some that are attention-seeking, manipulative pains in the hole? Yes, of course there are. But they are the stereotypes of this illness, and stereotypes by definition reflect basically the very worst cases. In short – the vast majority of people with BPD are not like that.

Make sure you’re heard, lovely. Persue the complaint. Write to your MP. Write to the bloody rags if necessary! You deserve better than what you’re getting, and mental health services deserve to be vilified for not adhering to that.

Lots of hugs

Pan xxx

I agree with everything Pandora has said. I’m so lucky that my doctor is very good with the whole BPD thing. Hugs and stuff xx

It’s not your personality that’s horrible, it’s the ‘professionals’ who need to change their views about BPD. You DO deserve help. It’s infuriating how you and some others are treated just because you have this diagnosis.

BtF x

oh hello. just come via your comment on serialinsomniac and seen this post as my intro to you. is there any of ‘us’ (noting they refuse to actually diagnose me as bdp, just do it behind my back) who doesn’t get this shit?

really makes you want to not bother.

Totally with you on this one. I was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago and it hit me real bad 10 months ago with depression and anxiety also. I was trying to make myself feel better by seeing a therapist for several months and trying several medications, but nothing helped. I’ve now ended up deciding to be hospitalised because things were getting too bad. I’ve been in hospital for 2 months now, it seems crazy to even say this. I didn’t think that it would get to this.

How are you doing? Does the Lamictal do good for you at all? I was on 200mg and it didn’t help me so they are reducing it and just trying an anti-depressant as I am in a serious black hole with that!

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I wish you all the best,

The Quiet Borderline
http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

Its not you. They changed my dx to bpd 6 years ago, after I spoke out about mistakes in my earlier treatment. I can vouch for the label being a self-fulfilling prophecy. The irony is that what we possibly all need to get well is self-esteem and love for ourselves, the stopping of self-blame etc. Not something this hideous epitaph, IMO on a par with terms like mad cow and slag, exactly makes likely. Mel

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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