Living life on the borderline

Swingy swing.

Posted on: November 2, 2011

I can’t answer my phone.
I can’t think of responses when people talk to me.
I can’t sleep at night but I can’t stay awake during the day.
I can’t find a reason of why I feel so bad, except for the fact I’m alive.
I’m angry.
I’m irritable.
I have no emotion.
I have too many emotions.
My bank account is almost empty and I can’t remember spending the money.
I can’t remember how I’ve ruined friendships with people.
I can’t remember what I’ve done to anyone. or with anyone.
I sat on the floor of the corridor in college and wondered how my tutors would explain to my group that I’d committed suicide.

 

So I’ll get put back on antidepressants to kick me out of depression and they will kick me back up to mania and I will spend too much money and wear too little and not think before I act and end up in A+E because of a half-hearted suicide attempt or just because I thought it was funny and interesting to cut pieces out of my flesh to see whether there really is blue electric sparks in my bones.

Am I bipolar? Do I have borderline personality disorder? Or was I just born wrong?

Why would I want to live when this is the pattern of my life?

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3 Responses to "Swingy swing."

Hi. Been reading a while, thought I would comment.

As I’m sure you’re aware, it would be impossible for anyone to say for sure one way or other from reading blog entries, (not that I’d be qualified to comment even if I’d met you). There is a certain amount of overlap between BPD and Bipolar (in particular emotional dysregulation) and some times people with neither have a manic reaction to anti-depressants (it’s still a massive area of contention over whether that should automatically qualify someone for the diagnosis; whether it’s just a massive hint at it; or whether it’s not significant at all. (Although obviously it’s significant in the fact that it’s a horrible thing to live through).

Having said that, you do seem to be describing something which sounds like hypomania/mania and whether that is bipolar or not (and as far as I’m aware they only occur in one disorder, but then half the mh pros I’ve met think self-harm occurs only in one disorder too) it needs to be looked at and considered in future care plans.

Are you on a mood stabiliser? If you are and you weren’t the last time you tried antidepressants you might find that it prevents the mood going to high. If not that depending how many times you’ve had a negative reaction to anti-depressants your doctor might consider. Certainly I had very bad experiences with SSRIs causing rapid-cycling and mirtazapine sending me sky-high for about 10 days then pooping out, leaving me severely depressed, and it was that, more than anything else that persuaded my psychiatrist to try a mood-stabiliser, and to reconsider the “depression” diagnosis to something else.

(Oddly enough though, half the time I feel that the psychs make diagnoses by prescribing things to see what happens…)

But I guess what I’m trying to say is that it might be worth discussing your current problems and your fears about ADs, as well as your confusion over your diagnosis (presuming your team is open and honest with you).

Sorry for such a long comment.

Take care.

Hey,

No need to apologise for the long comment, I appreciate the reply.

I have been diagnosed as having hypo/manic episodes, this is the second one my psych has seen with me since joining this team. A+E staff have also said I’ve presented as manic, but obviously they’re not psychiatrists. Nobody seems to know what’s going on with me, least of all myself… I was originally diagnosed as borderline after a suicide attempt at 16, which makes total sense!

I guess I’m just wishing that if they thought something might help, they’d do it before everything falls apart again. This is my 4th AD since starting them at 15, but I was put on antipsychotics by CAMHS as well because of milder highs in my mood even back then. They’ve lasted longer and caused more problems as time has gone on.

Hopefully something will get sorted soon. I hope.

Thanks again,

outwardly x

im a bit usless as i dont have anything that can help, i just hope ur ok.
Hugs,
Alice x

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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