Living life on the borderline

Surprise surprise v.2

Posted on: January 24, 2012

I need to find a more creative way of saying “things are not going well”. I will do that when things are doing better. As it happens, things are not going well. I do not know why.

I am due to start therapy soon, at long long last, which is positive and a step forward but it does make me quite nervous. If I’d’ve waited until I was “stable”, whatever that means, I may well have been under the Older People’s mental health services before starting therapy, so no time like the present. I’m worried about the fall-out from talking about everything. I don’t really have the time to become a full-on mentalist again, which I’m worried is going to happen. There’s a reason I block everything out – it’s so that I stay in one piece. I know that things have to get worse to get better and I think the therapy may also be partly diagnostic (as in, how much help is it going to do?) but still. Ew. I’m not very eloquent at the moment, the idea just feels ew.

I’m so behind with college work at the moment that I may as well write off this assignment and get ahead with the next, if that were possible. I feel like I’m some kind of vortex sucking the life, time, money and energy out of people to just destroy them. I don’t even think this is depression talking. It’s just rational, logical, cold-light-of-day thinking. Which is depressing in itself.

Don’t know how to end this post so, um. This is the end of the post.

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1 Response to "Surprise surprise v.2"

When I started talking recently I really held back because I could almost feel myself breaking down behind the wall I put up and I shut down to stop myself, I’ve realised now that I need to do it to stop it building up or I’ll burst. I don’t have the time to be crazy but I can’t let this time bomb go unchecked.
Be gentle with yourself, you should only do what you’re ready to do.
Take care, Alice x

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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