Living life on the borderline

Rage quit (discussion of self injury)

Posted on: January 31, 2012

(…and other mental things)

 

To put the title into context, “rage quit” is a kind of internet language speaking thing, oft-used when someone exits out of an online game they are losing, storming out of a chatroom or a DFE moment – “delete f…. everything”. Like facebook, etc. It is quite literally, quitting with rage. I estimate that I’m not that far away from rage-quitting life.

Although I primarily write about mental health on this blog, I haven’t really touched on the stigma and nasty comments that I get about it. People who don’t just have no understanding, but don’t WANT to have any understanding. People who say I am a danger because I’m mentally ill. People who say I cannot be reasoned with, am not worth talking to and am a chore to deal with. These aren’t professionals, but people that I have to associate with in daily life. Obviously I can’t put that into context, at least at this stage, but these are just a few examples.

Then there are the people that mock me for my career hopes, my hobbies, my skin colour, my culture, my clothes and… my hair. And tonight I went, for want of a better word, mad.

I was washing my hair, aware there were some kitchen scissors in the vicinity, left over from opening some packets. Me being me, I don’t feel that I’m at risk of “self harm” as in “suicide”, so razors, craft knives, scissors, etc. are always around. To cut a long story short, I started hacking at my hair. I wanted to make myself even uglier, for reasons unknown to me. The proximity of the blades to my face gave me even better ideas. Why don’t I just dig my eyes out? Even if I don’t get them out completely, I could at least blind myself. Then I’d never have to see my ugliness, my failure, my foul skin colour, my disappointing choices, my fat, my presence, my scars, ever again.

Thankfully, I think, I stopped myself. It’s a tempting thought. Harming my eyes and my face, this repulsive appearence of mine. As I say, I don’t necessarily feel at “risk”, so I don’t feel like it warrants ringing the helpline or the crisis team. I’m not angry or out of control. I feel in control, I feel quite rational and balanced. I don’t think killing myself would even be a particularly bad thing. If I’m such a waste, it’s not really like the world is going to miss out on anything.

I’m not as positive and stigma-fighting as I make out. I’m hurt. I’m ashamed of myself for things that I largely cannot help and I feel like I’m letting the side down because I’m ashamed.

Gosh. I’m a crap person. Really really crap.

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2 Responses to "Rage quit (discussion of self injury)"

You are not crap! The fact that you discuss your mental health at all is fabulous. I hid my issues from everyone except my mother (and even her in some ways) until very recently, and if you believe the perennial one in four statistic, then it’s safe to assume that the vast majority of people don’t discuss their illnesses at all. You’re doing good, missus.

I’m just sorry that you’re struggling with these intrusive thoughts at the minute 😦 This is hypocritical, because I would completely ignore this advice myself, but if the strength of the thoughts continues, please do call the helpline (whether you feel rational or not). You don’t deserve to be blinded and you don’t deserve to be dead! You do deserve some relief.

Sending hugs hun, for what they’re worth. xxx

I can only agree with what Pan has already said, you don’t deserve to feel like this, you deserve relief! And the world would be worse without you here, the world doesn’t need people that don’t even try to understand others, it needs people like you. People that are kind and warm hearted, even with insecurities which we all have. You are amazing, please reach out if you feel worse, you’re worth saving!
Take care x

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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