Living life on the borderline

Nothing of note to add.

Posted on: April 23, 2012

I guess I’m not been updating because I thought things were going well, but I have returned because they are not. Which means you get to put up with me, if you are reading. Sorry.

The crisis team have been fantastic with me this time and not even putting the phone down when I start off the conversation with “I am so *bleep*ing angry, I don’t know what to say” and end with sobbing uncontrollably and repeating “Why can’t I just die?” all the time.

The thing I hate about becoming unwell is that I turn into a total bitch and I don’t even mean to. I curse my family, I curse my friends, I curse God, I curse everything and everyone around me. Nobody will let me die, how dare they try to stop me dying? They are selfish, all of them are selfish *bleeps* and they can *bleep* off and not bother pretending to cry at my funeral (I know, I’m terribly dramatic..) Then when I’ve “snapped out of it”, for want of a better phrase, I want to die because I’m such a horrible person and how could I act like this and I don’t deserve to be alive and…and…and…and…rinse and repeat.

My illness is no excuse for my behaviour. I just wish I could stop. Stop being like this. I’ve self harmed a couple of times but I’m not going to consider it a full relapse because it wasn’t really a conscious decision. It’s not really dissociation, but I don’t know what I’m doing at the time.

An unrelated physical health problem is leaving me in constant pain, which isn’t making me the most fun person to be around either. Feeling very sorry for myself.

Other than that… nothing exciting is happening….


1 Response to "Nothing of note to add."

For what it’s worth, I don’t think feeling sorry for yourself is a bad thing. It’s you letting yourself know that you need to take care of yourself and recognising that things suck sometimes. I hope you do take care, life’s hard and it’s human to struggle at times.
Hugs, Alice x

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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