Living life on the borderline

Eating disorders and lack of self care.

Posted on: April 27, 2012

There’s something quite unique that I have noticed with eating distress, or at least with my experience of it. If I’m way off the mark, let me know. It’d be quite interesting to see what people’s thoughts are on the idea of eating disorders and lack of self care.

To me in my rational mind – food is one of the fundamental aspects of self-care. Hunger can override rational thought in desperate situations. Feeding yourself, getting nutrients, etc. is usually the default setting because we are unconsciously always aware that we need to eat to live.

However I’ve found with my bulimia-type anorexia-type EDNOS-type thing, being irrational takes over that default setting. I’m consciously aware that I am feeling faint or experiencing irregular heart rhythms and yet I continue to abuse myself and deny myself that fundamental self-care of eating. I don’t really know why. Oftentimes when people have ‘flu or something, they want to be curled up on the sofa under a blanket feeling sorry for themselves, even if that is not possible or socially acceptable to say! That cognition has all but gone in my brain. I remember what an ED psychiatrist told me when I was being seen by the EDU and the list of things that can go wrong simply by not feeding yourself properly…. but it doesn’t really bother me.

I don’t understand this part of myself at all, because I thought that with eating disorders, you’re not aware of what you’re doing to yourself. I am aware and I’ve all but given up on trying to get help for it. The physical effects of restricting my intake are increasing again but I have an overwhelming feeling of “cba” when it comes to going back to the GP again, for a blood test again, to be told that it would be a great idea if I ate again and blah… blah… blah.

I got to the point of going into the GP surgery and asking if there were any available appointments with my “regular” doctor. My psychiatrist and RegGP are in cahoots as psychiatrist knows when I haven’t been for my check-up and my bloodwork hasn’t been updated. There are no slots with RegGP for some weeks yet, but I could try again & see if there are any cancellations. I could, but in all honesty, I probably won’t.

Am I punishing myself? Am I attention-seeking, time-wasting, what? Have I taken the hint that I’m wasting my time trying to get better & resigned myself to this way of “living”? I hate not knowing about myself, I used to pride myself on being very psychologically-minded and understanding how my thoughts work.

But.

Cba.

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1 Response to "Eating disorders and lack of self care."

I can’t really help but I just wanted you to know that I care and am thinking of you, take care x x x

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About the blogger.

I'm an 18 year old girl/woman/person of the female gender who blogs about growing up, living with mental health problems and her experience with the NHS mental health services, both CAMHS and CMHTs. Expect plenty of teenage angst and general craziness. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

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